I’ve been interested in goal setting for about 10 years. I love the idea of dreaming of something I want and then making it happen.
I’ve read about the Tony Robbins approach of writing down ambitious goals and then committing to massive action. It’s worked for me many times.
I’ve seen the benefits of Dr BJ Fogg’s tiny habits approach. The idea is that you decide on the behaviour you want to adopt and then break it down into a miniscule action. It’s really effective.
I’ve done a lot of visualising the future I want and experimenting with manifesting and many of the things I’ve focused on have happened.
But sometimes things I really want don’t happen, or at least seem to be taking a really long time. But at the end of last year, I had a realisation about why this was the case that made complete sense to me. I saw that, for all the things I think I want in my life — wealth, a successful business, a family, health — there is a big part of me that doesn’t want those things and is most likely sabotaging me in achieving my goal.
For example, I would love to be doing more leadership training and culture change work, working with teams over the course of several months. But there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to do that, in case I fail. Or in case the client thinks I’m not good enough, experienced enough, qualified enough… and I end up feeling like a fraud, humiliated and ashamed.
So, although part of me is really excited about doing highly impactful work with teams and leaders, knows I’m more than good enough, and believes it would be deeply fulfilling, another part of me is so terrified at the possibility of painful feelings from failing, that it wants to slam the brakes on any possibility of progress.
And I realised this is the case with everything I think I want. There’s always another part of me that secretly doesn’t want it.
I don’t want to heal my eczema because scratching is actually really soothing and pleasurable.
I don’t want to be a dad, because I fear I’ll be broke, exhausted, and have no freedom.
I don’t want wealth in case people resent me for it.
What’s been so valuable about realising this is that, when I don’t see that it’s fear of failure, shame and humiliation that’s holding me back, my default is to think it’s not happening for me because I’m not good enough. Which, ironically, leads to the feelings of shame that the fearful part of me is trying to avoid.
It’s not that I’m not good enough. It’s that I’m afraid I might not be good enough, so I don’t even try.
Shame researcher Dr Brené Brown says that if shame were bacteria in a petri dish, the way to make it multiply would be to keep it in the darkness. And the way to destroy it would be to put it in the light. I call that naming the shame.
I can liberate myself from the fear of it by naming it to myself and letting myself feel it in my body, and by naming it to people I trust and realising that they’re not judging me for it.
Naming my shame to my business partner has been hugely liberating for both of us and helped us to be more honest with each other about our fears and insecurities. We’re now close to signing three new clients, so something is obviously working.
If there’s something in your life you’ve wanted to happen for a long time — a new relationship, a new job, a health goal — and it’s not happening, ask yourself, ‘What is the part of me that doesn’t want this to happen? What is it afraid of?’
By bringing that fear and resistance into the light, you will find it so much easier to move past it than if it’s an invisible, shadowy saboteur operating beyond your awareness.
If you’d like support in achieving your goals in 2023, book in a free 30 minute call, and I’ll see if I can help.
