How to deal with rejection on Tinder

Image by fizkes

Imagine you find someone you really fancy on a dating app. You get a match — ping! A rush of excitement. They send you a message — ping! Woo hoo! They’re interested in ME! Little old me!

There’s some back and forth, joking and chatting, until… silence.

Hours become a day, and a day becomes a week.

Massive disappointment. Despair. Frustration. Hurt. What did I do wrong? Was I too keen? Not funny enough? Too intense? Did they find someone better?

You refresh and check the phone just to double and quadruple-check. There really is no message.

The real tragedy is how much power you’re giving that person. The power to decide if you’re desirable, interesting… worthy of love. The power to give you satisfaction and peace, to be able to sleep at night, to stop you being consumed with self-doubt.

One of the key principles I learned on the mindful self-compassion course I went on recently is that, when there’s something you’re craving to receive from somebody else: love, attention, care, to be listened to, to be understood… See if you can give it to yourself first. That’s how you take your power back.

In that moment of desperation, you pause and connect with how you feel. Ask yourself what exactly you are yearning for and send that to yourself using words or touch. It can dramatically alleviate the suffering, calm you right down and reconnect you with a sense that you don’t need another person to complete you or allow you to feel okay.

The same applies to many situations: a client you were desperate to hear back from; a partner who’s turned their back on you; a family member who’s disconnected from you.

I took a client through this process last week and her words at the end of the session were: ‘Thank you. That was exactly what I needed.’

You can practise this yourself using this five-minute self-compassion break, or this 15-minute version.

Let me know how you get on.